Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
2010-03-01
2010-01-09
Questions that need answers
Here are some questions that need answers:
Here are the Doors, telling us "People are Strange"
- Why do people jump up as soon as the plane lands and is still moving towards the airport, standing up and grabbing their bags and squeezing together like sheep? It takes almost 10-15 minutes before the doors are even open after landing.
- When there is an awkward silence, someone must check his / her cell phone although it did not beep or ring or shake or flash.
- You rush into a room in your place, then you stand in the middle of the room not knowing why you where in such a hurry to go there.
- When you trip and fall flat on your face, the first thing you do is quickly look around to see if anyone saw you fall on your face, instead of checking any damage to yourself.
- Why do we drink vile disgusting tasting stuff like Grapefruit juice or Green tea religiously just because someone somewhere said it was good for us?
- This raises another question, why do things good for us taste vile and disgusting, why isn't milk shake and an extra everything quarter pounder burger not good for us?
- Ever sleep in the afternoon and wake up when it is dark and you don't know what day it is ?
- Why do we walk around the house when we are talking on our mobile, although we where sitting down just before the mobile rang ?
- Why is it when we are greeted by someone and we don't recognize them, we pretend to know them and become Sherlock Holmes trying to pick up clues in what they are saying to remember who they are ?
- Why do people ask about your family and how they are when they don't even know them or even care ?
- Why does a phone ringing take first priority over a room full of people you are talking to right in front of you?
Here are the Doors, telling us "People are Strange"
2009-12-27
2009-12-10
Smart School Kid
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
More fun stuff can be found here.
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
More fun stuff can be found here.
2009-11-29
Cruel Prank
There is funny, and there is plain cruel. This Japanese guy thinks he is being attacked by snipers and is panic-stricken, but still funny.
2009-10-05
Never Challenge a Goat
Note: Don't try this yourself, this was done by trained professionals. (I think)
2009-09-03
Cannibal Joke
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
2009-08-30
2009-08-29
How Do You Cut Your Sandwich?
Or maybe, how is your sandwich cut. Check it out here, my favorite is the Real Lazy Parent cut.
2009-08-24
BMW Eco-Friendly Green Model
BMW have outdid themselves, this new model does not run on benzene. Maybe when the oil runs out, we will all be driving this new series of BMW.
2009-08-07
Popular Brands, with an Egyptian Touch
What if popular brands we know where made in Egypt? This is how they would look:
2009-07-02
Work Dedication
If you want to get ahead in your career you need to work hard and give it your very best.
Here is our employee of the month:
Here is our employee of the month:
2009-06-19
2009-05-26
Mafia Don Story
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, “But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your ROLEX watch instead?”
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, “Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos.”
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, “Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then…pointa to your watch and say ‘Time’s up?’
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, “But Grandpa, I really doana lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your ROLEX watch instead?”
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, “Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos.”
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, “Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then…pointa to your watch and say ‘Time’s up?’
2009-05-05
2009-04-13
New Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.
2009-01-02
2008-12-26
Japanese banks after the crisis
I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector:
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal!
2008-12-18
2008-11-21
I hate bureaucracy
We all know how bureaucrats love forms, and sending you from one desk to another, or one building to another. Here is an actual letter from a Canadian about the bureaucracy in renewing his passport, maybe we should all follow his example and write similar letters and possibly have things done more efficiently.
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For ----- sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there??!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !!!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For ----- sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there??!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !!!
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